• Hello Guest, the Post-Trespasser timeline is open to all characters now. If you want to play your DA:O/DA2 timeline characters in the Post-Trespasser timeline, please check out the thread below. It will give you all the information you need to get up and running in no time:

    Getting your DA:O/DA2 Character ready for Post-Trespasser!

Still Beating [Closed]

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#1
((OOC: Firstfall 10, 9:35, Afternoon, Practice Yards - Mara Kerr))

Nathaniel wiped the sweat off his brow with his forearm, taking a brief pause from his forms. His chest heaved, heavy breaths drawn in and let out slowly. The best cure for an over active mind, he found, was physical exertion. Today, however, there was no cure for such ailment. No matter the speed at which he went, his daggers furiously fast in attacking the straw dummy, he could not stop himself from thinking about Velanna.

Unlike the last time she left Vigil’s Keep, he did not see to her belongings. He left the packing of her things to one of the new servants he could not yet remember the name of. The girl, perhaps no more than 19, was the first servant Nathaniel passed on his way out of Velanna’s rooms earlier in the day. To her he gave the order to burn anything she did not want. There would be saving things should Velanna return. She would not becoming back. Not this time, of that he was sure.

He would need to write Cauthrien, of course. Velanna had not only been his lover but she was also a senior Grey Warden and mage. He should order her hunted. But he knew he would do no such thing even if bade to do so by Cauthrien. Velanna would not be found if she did not wish to be found. She was now yet another ghost to haunt the halls of Vigil’s Keep in memory.

Frustration wrinkled Nathaniel’s features with the whitening of his knuckles about the daggers in his grasp. The pommels of his daggers twisted about in his palms and Nathaniel went to task upon the straw dummy before him causing more straw to spray about in the air. If she could so casually disregard what he felt was growing between them, he would try to as well if he had to tire himself into indifference.
 
Last edited:

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#2
There were whispers. Mara could hear the hushed tones around her as she picked at her food in silence. Something was going on today, and she wasn't sure she she was going to like it.

“Her room is being emptied out right now!”

“I heard he threw a pot against the wall. Saw the servant sweeping up the pieces myself!”


Whatever it was, the news was getting around quickly. As much as Mara wanted to ignore it, there was no getting away from it. Life was funny like that for her - she always seemed to be in the right place at the right time to hear all the little things she didn’t want to hear. Whatever mess was going on now, she was pretty sure she would have pieced together before the sun set that day.

Once again the food tasted dry on her tongue and the tankard of water remained untouched. A few bites was all she could manage before she pushed the plate away from her and made her way out of the dining hall. Some other Warden would inevitably take what remained. An insatiable appetite was quite the perk when there were leftovers laying about. Mara only wished it would quit gnawing at her stomach; she didn’t want the reminder, not when her head was intently focused on being as destructive as possible. The hunger only gave it more ammunition to point out every little thing wrong with where she was.

Maker, she was so tired of it.

As she trudged through the compound, she inevitably passed by the training grounds. Of course it had to be on her way back to her room - always an unwelcome reminder that she needed to be practicing, practicing, practicing for whatever monsters might find their way to the surface. Today she could hear someone going to town on a dummy, and she couldn’t resist sneaking a glance out the window as she passed by. None other than Nathaniel Howe himself was tearing the poor dummy to shreds, knocking hay every which way with each stroke.

Mara blinked. Odd. She knew he could have a temper, but she’d never seen him angry enough to tear apart a practice dummy. He was much like her with his anger - more likely to sink it in drink and bad decisions. She wasn’t sure if this was a milder or more potent form of anger for him, but watching him was enough to break her out of her melancholy haze just enough to light a spark of curiosity.

“Whatever that dummy did to you,” Mara said as she stepped out into the training yard, “I don’t think it’s enough to warrant...whatever it is you’ve done to it.” She dropped on top of a hay bale, drawing a knee up under her chin and wrapping her arms around her leg. “So, tell me. Does that empty room have anything to do with you?”

It wasn’t exactly a stab in the dark - Mara had enough of an inkling to get a general idea of what was going on - but if her hunch was right, then the only person who really knew what was going on was Nathaniel. She already knew she was going to lose what little sleep she had trying to sort out something as stupid as this, so she decided she’d get it over with before she spent the rest of her evening running about gathering shreds of rumors instead.
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#3
Nathaniel’s arms ached from the speed at which he slashed at the straw dummy before him. Good, he thought. This type of pain he could deal with. This type of pain might help him forget the other he still had yet to learn how to deal with.

“Whatever that dummy did to you.” Nathaniel stopped mid swipe, his head snapping around to find Mara standing there. When had she gotten here? So focused upon diverting his focus, he had not heard her arrive.

She added before taking a seat upon a bale of hay, her knee soon tucked beneath her chin. “I don’t think it’s enough to warrant...whatever it is you’ve done to it.”

Nathaniel let out a gruff snort and took the brief respite in his attacks to wipe at his brow with his arm.

Mara could not leave well enough there, though. She never could. Poke and prod, the woman had an uncanny ability to zero in on a sore point. "So, tell me. Does that empty room have anything to do with you?”

“Why would Velanna leaving possibly have anything to do with me?” he replied, sarcasm lacing his bitter tone. His nostrils flared with the deep drawn in of a breath he exhaled seconds later. Attentions returned to the dummy, a twin attack assaulting the straw form. The metal sank into the meat of the straw torso, piercing the sand bag used as a the dummy’s base. In a slow drip, kernels of sand began to bead upon the ground.

Frustration grew in the back of Nathaniel’s throat and he let loose his grasp upon his daggers, leaving them impaled within the dummy for now. Turning on heel, another deep breath exhaled to let loose a small portion of tension, he more directly at Mara. She did not ask him anything others were not already wondering. Granted, she asked in a very Mara way.

“She left on her own and was quite brief in her note.” No matter the pain such truth caused him, the other wardens deserved to know. Velanna had not only been Nathaniel’s lover, but she was also a fellow sister, albeit it an often cantankerous one, to the other Grey Wardens.
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#4
“Why would Velanna leaving possibly have anything to do with me?” Nathaniel drawled. Mara could feel the sarcasm filling the air around him. She leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, lips pursed as she took the new information in and watched him stab his daggers into the dummy with harsh finality.

So, Velanna was gone. She wanted to be surprised by the news, but the elf’s frustration with the Wardens was no secret. Neither was Nathaniel’s involvement with her. As soon as that clicked into place for Mara, everything made sense. Velanna left, and Nathaniel was woefully upset about it, albeit not in the way she would’ve expected.

“She left on her own and was quite brief in her note.”

Mara raised her brows at that. Not even a good-bye - just a note and an empty room. She had to respect the elf’s brevity. If she ever truly committed to leaving - and actually knew how to write - she would’ve done the same. Simple as that. Still, it didn’t change how obviously hurt Nathaniel was by her actions. For a moment Mara felt a pang of sympathy for him, but she quickly smothered that before it turned into words.

“So you’re stabbing a dummy because….?” There was more to this. There had to be. Mara needed to hear it, needed to understand exactly why that one particular Warden was so damn important. That, and she wanted Nathaniel to knock off the snipped sentences and the cryptic attitude. She had no room for anyone’s bullshit today.

“Look, you’re angry, sure, but the Nathaniel I know is more likely to wind up in the wine cellar instead of skewering a dummy where everyone else can see.”
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#5
“So you’re stabbing a dummy because….?”

Nathaniel turned, a harsh look thrown in Mara’s direction at the question. Anger furrowed his brow and highlighted the wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes. He had no time for anyone’s bullshit today. Wasn’t the answer to that question obvious? He was mad and upset and needed to take that rage out on something or someone. Would Mara have preferred he direct his frustrations to her instead? If yes, she was certainly on the right path to merit that particular ire.

“Look, you’re angry, sure, but the Nathaniel I know is more likely to wind up in the wine cellar instead of skewering a dummy where everyone else can see.”

Ahhhh. Yes, that. Nathaniel’s moods were not unknown to Mara. She had seen him at his worst, a privilege shared by very few in the Grey Wardens.

"Would not a drunk Warden-Command and Arl be worse?” he shot back, tone clipped. But if the desired effect of Mara’s taunts was to get him to stop eviscerating the straw dummy, she was successful. Nathaniel stepped away and walked stiffly toward a nearby table. Atop the table, he set his daggers and reached for a clay pitcher. Inside was the very balm Mara suggested he apply to his wounds.

Turning to drink was one way that Nathaniel coped with such a torrent of emotions as he was feeling at present. Different pains merited different types of drink. Velanna did not deserve a fine whiskey. He filled a wooden mug to the brim with cheap Nevarran red. He wanted to taste the vinegar to convince him of what he would not be missing.

He held up the mug to Mara, a brow arching sarcastically. “Better?” he asked not waiting on her response before forcing down a large swallow. “People will talk no matter what, Mara. People at Vigil’s Keep have long memories and this is not the first time she has left,” his jaw tightened, words restrained before he added, “in the early morning hours."
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#6
"Would not a drunk Warden-Command and Arl be worse?”

“That’s never stopped you before,” Mara grumbled. At least he’d stopped tearing apart the poor practice dummy. Hopefully someone would be along later to replace it. She watched as Nathaniel walked over to a nearby table, placed his daggers down and picked up a pitcher and poured what she could only assume was the very drink she’d underhandedly encouraged him to take.

“Better?” Mara scowled at his sarcasm, but she was already on her way to the table to pour a mug of her own. Maker, she knew she was going to need it to get through this conversation.

“People will talk no matter what, Mara. People at Vigil’s Keep have long memories and this is not the first time she has left in the early morning hours."

“And it wouldn’t be first time if she came back tomorrow with an arrow in her arse kicking and screaming over your shoulder.” Mara shot him a sheepish grin that quickly faded. “Or not. You...won’t pursue, will you?”

Of course he wouldn’t. She didn’t even know why she’d asked. Mara had never heard of the elf before she was driving Nathaniel even more mad than she ever could. The elf was difficult to manage, and Mara could hardly imagine handling someone so very fond of oleander. Why would anyone want to drag her back into the Wardens?

Still, it didn’t stop Mara from wondering what would happen if she ever tried anything similar. It felt like such a long time ago, but the threats still hung in the air. She would be hunted. Wardens were valuable - not so much for their battlefield prowess so much as the secrets they carried. She was beginning to understand that now, but still...the elf carried the same secrets. She could run free with them, and so long as she never came across another Warden, Mara could only assume she would continue to run free.

“You said if I ever left that I would be hunted down - why is she any different, Nathaniel? Why does she get to come and go as she pleases while the rest of us remain trapped beneath your threats?”
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#7
“And it wouldn’t be first time if she came back tomorrow with an arrow in her arse kicking and screaming over your shoulder.”

“She was hardly kicking and screaming,” Nathaniel drolled in correction, sarcasm pulling at his smirk. She had been quiet asleep when he hefted her over his shoulder and carried her into the warden compound. Peacefully asleep even. The kicking and screaming happened far later once Velanna was tethered to his bed.

Diffident, Mara’s grin faded quickly. “Or not. You...won’t pursue, will you?”

Nathaniel did not get a chance to reply before Mara added, “You said if I ever left that I would be hunted down - why is she any different, Nathaniel? Why does she get to come and go as she pleases while the rest of us remain trapped beneath your threats?”

Trapped beneath his threats? An already irritable mood threatened to become something else all together beneath the weight of Mara’s accusations. Accusations that were not entirely unfounded, but Nathaniel was hardly in the headspace for such truths. Tension tightened the grip of his fingers about the wooden mug in his grasp. He swallowed down more wine, hoping to wash down some of his irritability.

He failed.

He bit down on his teeth, anger creasing the corners of his eyes and pulling his mouth taut. “Because I said so,” he snapped back, voice rising just enough to draw the attention of a passing guard. The guard stalled their walk along the west edge of the practice yard only briefly before picking up their previous pace to disappear around a stone wall.

Nathaniel closed his eyes, biting down once more. His anger was not at Mara, no matter how talented she was at finding just the right buttons to push to stoke such ire. He was mad at himself, mad at Velanna, mad that Cauthrien had been right yet again. She sensed Velanna might leave but Nathaniel just knew she would not. And yet here he stood, a bitter man holding his bitter mug of wine in front of a bitter Grey Warden.

His nostrils flared with the exhale of a slow breath. Reopening his eyes, he looked upon Mara with a modicum of his anger that still simmered beneath the surface tamped down. “What do you want me to say Mara? None of this is fair. How about that?”

A bit of wine trailed along the corner of his mouth and down his chin with his next swallow. His hand raised to wipe away the runaway droplet. “None of us imagined this life for ourselves. And yet,” he held up the nearly empty mug in mock toast to the warden, “here we are. If you think for a moment I don’t feel…” No, he would not finish that but he would finish his wine and see about a refill, reaching for the pitcher to replenish his cup.

Rage once more seeped through the cracks, tightening his features and harshening his tone. “I cannot ignore what I have seen and what I know. Fair or not, we have a duty that, I for one, could not live with myself if I ignored. Velanna apparently could." He inclined his head in the direction of the large iron gate at the front of the fortress, “If you can live with knowing what you do and ignoring it all the same, then go. "
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#8
“Because I said so.”

Mara flinched. Shit, she flinched. His tone bit, though. Bit with a venom she knew he’d been stocking up on for awhile. He was angry, bitter, and who better to take it out on than her? The dummy was falling apart anyway, and at least he wouldn’t stab her with his anger. Probably. She inched back in her seat a little and kept a wary eye on him.

“What do you want me to say Mara?” Nathaniel snarled. “None of this is fair. How about that?”

“Of course it’s not fair!” she snapped back. “It’s never been fair.”

“None of us imagined this life for ourselves. And yet,” he held up his mug in a half-hearted toast, “here we are. If you think for a moment I don’t feel…” He paused long enough for Mara to lean forward again. Don’t feel what? Betrayed? Infuriated? Wronged? Hellbent on shredding everything in sight to pieces? It was tremendously difficult to resist that last one.

But he never finished the statement. Instead, he leaned back on his duty crutch. Mara almost rolled her eyes in weariness.

“If you can live with knowing what you do and ignoring it all the same, then go."

“I - excuse me?”


Go? Mara slowly turned her gaze to the gate. She suddenly became aware of the terrible ache in her chest, the one that kept her company day in and day out whether she wanted it or not. All she had to do was walk out those gates and it would be over. Done. She could leave, with the Commander’s blessing, at that! She could be free.

Except that wasn’t freedom. Freedom wasn’t real, not anymore. She knew what she was. She knew what meant. Maker, her blood was bound to it. Freedom couldn’t save her from that.

“I…” Her gaze lowered back to the table. She started picking at a splinter of wood that was sticking up, anything to keep her eyes away from the gate. “I can’t. You know I can’t.”

And she hadn’t. Ever since they’d arrived in Vigil’s Keep, she hadn’t stepped foot outside its walls. Even the taste of freedom outside was too bittersweet, so she remained bitter and trapped within the Keep. At least then she wouldn’t have as much of an outside world to compare it to.

“Like you said,” she mumbled, “I know too much. No matter how far I run, it’s all in me now. It’s running through my veins and haunting my dreams and I can’t just live with that. Not like I used to.”

A month ago she would’ve rebelled. She would’ve been through those gates and gone before anyone could call her back. She would’ve run and run and run until all of Ferelden was left behind. She would’ve kept running. Now, though...Now she felt she’d aged a decade. Her father a fraud. A love affair gone horribly wrong. Maker, she’d killed monsters with her own hands and was nearly killed by one in return. This wasn’t wandering the world anymore. This was life or death, the peace of the world in the balance, and she was one of those lucky few that had to carry that weight, like it or not.

“Would you?” She lifted her eyes to meet his gaze once more. “If you had the chance, would you go?”
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#9
“I - excuse me?”

Obviously not what Mara thought Nathaniel might say. Nathaniel was too tired to fight her, at least on this point anymore.

“I…” Eyes upon the table, Mara confessed, “I can’t. You know I can’t. Like you said. I know too much. No matter how far I run, it’s all in me now. It’s running through my veins and haunting my dreams and I can’t just live with that. Not like I used to.”

Nathaniel did. No longer were they blessed with ignorance. For all her grousing, Mara was not one that could ignore the things she now knew anymore than most of the Fereldan Grey Wardens. Velanna was an obvious exception.

She was so many exceptions.

The thought of her soured Nathaniel’s expression once again and he sought solace in the bottom of his mug, draining the meager amount of wine that remained within its depths before seeking a refill.

“Would you?” From table top to Nathaniel, Mara shifted her gaze, “If you had the chance, would you go?”

How many times had Nathaniel entertained the thought in the past? More times than he could count. The answer was always the same, though, even if the regrets varied upon the asking.

He pressed his backside against the brim of the table with the shake of his head. “No. I would not.” Too many duties shackled him to the post. The taint within his blood. The desire to bring honor back to the Howes. The need to make reparations for all his father’s treachery. There was no shortage of reasons why Nathaniel stayed.

A deep breath drawn in, he exhaled it in equally slow measure. Mara and he shared many similarities. Perhaps that had been why she was so deft at knowing just how to stoke his ire, why of all the newly joined Grey Wardens, she was the one he felt closest to even independent of the times they tumbled together. “I almost did once,” he confessed; a truth he had told no one save Velanna.

“Aedan was—“ Sarcasm bit at his lips, turning his smile more sneer than amused. “—he conscripted me hoping for me to die. It would not be the last time I disappointed him.” No, that had been at Weisshaupt when Nathaniel left Aedan to rot within his cell. “He did not make things easy for me. Though to be fair, I did not make things easy on myself. It was after I was forced to kill the woman I saw more as a mother than my own, Adria. She had taken care of my brother, sister and myself when we lived here as a family.”

A sip of wine wetted his tongue and he continued, the heaviness of his mood causing him to slouch further in his perch against the table. “He did not say so, but I think Aedan took pleasure in my pain that day, at my rage and anger at not only seeing but needing to be the instrument of a loved one’s destruction. She was tainted. We had no choice but that did not make things any easier. That night I packed a small bag and readied to leave.”

He shook his head, “But as I neared the gates behind us, I heard his words to me echo in my head: Because if you live, you will be forever changed. You will be tied to the order, and this will be the only place for you. You may run. You may try to escape. But your duty will track you down. He was not wrong."
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#10
“No. I would not.” Mara expected that answer out of Nathaniel. She also expected a lecture about duty this, duty that from him, too. Instead, he managed to surprise her for once.

“I almost did once,” he confessed. Mara raised her brows but waited for him to continue. As she listened to him describe a little piece of his past, she easily picked up on his terrible distaste for Aedan. It was no secret, of course, but she could almost feel the hatred weighing down the air between them. She couldn’t hate Cauthrien for Conscripting her. Then again, Cauthrien had Conscripted her to save her (in some warped, twisted turn of fate) - Aedan had done quite the opposite for Nathaniel.

“You may run. You may try to escape. But your duty will track you down. He was not wrong." There it was. Duty talk. He was such a stickler for duty. It was almost exhausting listening to him go on about it. Whenever they spoke, it almost always found a way to sneak itself into their conversation. As much as they’d talked about it, there still seemed to be something about it that she couldn’t quite grasp.

“Duty. You keep talking about that, but is that really what’s holding you back?” Mara took in a breath, trying to find the words she wanted to say. “I mean, you’re so attached to it. I just...I don’t exactly know what you mean. The only thing binding you to the Wardens is the Taint. Is that what duty is to you? Because I don’t know if you’ve thought about it before, but you’re not obligated to stay here. You could just leave and we’d all figure out a way to survive without you. If that’s what you think duty is - managing the Wardens - then that’s not a very tight rein you’re being held to, is it?

“You don’t have to be here. None of us really do, except none of us really think about that in the first place. Being away from people who know who - no, what - we are...now that’s scary. I think that’s what holds many of us back.”
Mara reached for her mug and took a generous gulp. “But that’s not duty, is it? That’s loneliness. You don’t want to be lonely, just like the rest of us.”
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#11
“Duty. You keep talking about that, but is that really what’s holding you back?” Mara paused, taking a moment to consider her words. “I mean, you’re so attached to it. I just...I don’t exactly know what you mean. The only thing binding you to the Wardens is the Taint.”

A flicker of a frown crossed Nathaniel’s expression. That was entirely too simplistic and not entirely true.

"Is that what duty is to you? Because I don’t know if you’ve thought about it before, but you’re not obligated to stay here. You could just leave and we’d all figure out a way to survive without you. If that’s what you think duty is - managing the Wardens - then that’s not a very tight rein you’re being held to, is it?"

The furrowing of his brow matched the increased downward angling of his mouth. Of course they would find a way to survive without him. His staying has very little to do with such a sense of self-importance. Such a definition of duty was what kept Aedan around. He stayed because he felt he had to. The world would burn without him around to piss on the flames.

“You don’t have to be here. None of us really do, except none of us really think about that in the first place. Being away from people who know who - no, what - we are...now that’s scary. I think that’s what holds many of us back.” Mara stopped long enough just to take another drink from her mug. “But that’s not duty, is it? That’s loneliness. You don’t want to be lonely, just like the rest of us.”

While true Nathaniel felt a great loneliness at times, more so since joining the Grey Wardens, that also was not what kept him in the order, not what formed his sense of duty.

“I swore an oath at my Joining. An oath to be vigilant. An oath that could not be forsworn.” Mara might feel them just words, just excuses. They were not to Nathaniel, however. “My father was a man that made many promises during his life. A good many of those promises he had no intention of following through on and did not. I am not such a man.”

He set his mug aside, lifting his hand to scrub brush against the top of his head and nudge errant strands of hair loosened by his earlier assault on the training dummy away from his eyes. “My father often forgot nobility has another meaning. I am not speaking simply of titles. I do not give promises or give oaths lightly. Nor will I break them simply because the whim strikes me.”

But there was more to his staying than simply that. An oath bound him initially but something else entirely rooted him now. “Yes, the taint made me a Grey Warden. In simplistic terms, it binds and shackles us all. But it is not why I stay. I could not live with myself if I was to walk away knowing all I know now. What type of man would that make me?”

The kind he did not wish to be. For all being a Grey Warden cost him personally, his not being a Grey Warden, others not being a Grey Warden, would have cost others far, far more.

“Loneliness….” The word lingered unfollowed for a pause, Nathaniel filling the time with another drink. “I won’t deny that is hard. I have struggled a great deal with it for some time. I thought I had found a solution when I married Fiona.” A bitter pill to swallow had been his failings as a husband. Sarcasm slanted his mouth and tone, “It did not work out quite as a I imagined.”

Nathaniel reached for his mug once more, shoulders rising and falling in a shrug. “We all have things we wish to atone for in our lives.” Mara had the sins as much as Nathaniel had his and his father’s. “I also stay because being a Grey Warden is one way in which I can do so. You can take from that what you will. As I am sure you will,” he offered with a shake of the head.
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#12
“I swore an oath at my Joining,” Nathaniel began. The corners of Mara’s mouth dropped further than usual as her eyes narrowed and she absently tilted her mug. She should’ve known better - of course the man would launch into one of his stupidly long speeches about duty and daddy issues.

“I could not live with myself if I was to walk away knowing all I know now. What type of man would that make me?”

“A selfish one, for sure,” Mara took a gulp from her mug, “but you wouldn’t be the only one. Plenty of those kinds of men to go around, and they all seem to be doing alright. Better than you are right now, anyway.”

“Loneliness…I won’t deny that is hard. I have struggled a great deal with it for some time. I thought I had found a solution when I married Fiona. It did not work out quite as a I imagined.”

“Does anything ever work out for you?” Her tone was harsher than intended, but she wasn’t so dull as to miss the scent of pity upon him. “You missed the point, Nathaniel - loneliness isn’t just about love or whatever you had with Fiona, it’s about being around people who get what’s fucked up about us. You wouldn’t want to lose that, would you?”

“We all have things we wish to atone for in our lives.” Mara scowled at Nathaniel's words. “I also stay because being a Grey Warden is one way in which I can do so. You can take from that what you will. As I am sure you will.”

“I have nothing to atone for,” Mara said with a tightened jaw. “Nothing so grievous as to require me to be a Warden to make up for it, yet here I am. You may think you’ve earned this, but I’m here not out of your sense of duty, but out of sheer bad luck. Say all you like about how you’re making up for your bad deeds, but my record was wiped clean when I Joined, and I intend on making sure all of it -and I mean all of it - is crystal so long as I live. Do you understand that, Nathaniel?”
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#13
“Does anything ever work out for you?” Mara asked, unable to pass up a good scab to pick upon. “You missed the point, Nathaniel - loneliness isn’t just about love or whatever you had with Fiona, it’s about being around people who get what’s fucked up about us. You wouldn’t want to lose that, would you?”

Nathaniel did not immediately answer Mara’s question, instead pushing on to state his other reason for staying with the Wardens - redemption.

“I have nothing to atone for,” Mara claimed; the statement met with a gruff snort by Nathaniel. Everyone, no matter the piety they claimed had something to atone for.

“Nothing so grievous as to require me to be a Warden to make up for it,” Mara continued, "yet here I am. You may think you’ve earned this, but I’m here not out of your sense of duty, but out of sheer bad luck. Say all you like about how you’re making up for your bad deeds, but my record was wiped clean when I Joined, and I intend on making sure all of it -and I mean all of it - is crystal so long as I live. Do you understand that, Nathaniel?”

Nathaniel did understand but a slate wiped clean did not remove personal accountability. He could no longer be hung as a traitor’s son; that still did not change the culpability he felt.

“You are wrong, so you know.” Wrong about a great many things; Nathaniel only picked one to mention. “I do have someone that understand what is fucked up about us. Someone outside of the Wardens.”

Mara would be going to Highever. If he did not tell her, she would figure it out on her own soon enough. “Fergus Cousland knows who and what we are. Aedan saw fit to place that burden on his brother.” Both boon and curse. “Fergus is not only an ally to the Grey Wardens but my oldest,” his lips pressed together, the pause only long enough to suss out which descriptive to use, “friend.”

Having had enough wine for now, he set the cup aside and looked pointedly at Mara. “Sometimes I think you are just looking for reasons to be contrary. The anger you feel about your situation makes you incapable of doing otherwise.” If she could make blanket statements about him, he could do the same for her.
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#14
“You are wrong, so you know.” Mara bristled at Nathaniel’s words. Her jaw tightened and her brows began to furrow. “I do have someone that understand what is fucked up about us. Someone outside of the Wardens.”

“I - excuse me?”
She knew the rules just as well as any Warden, and any Warden knew that only Wardens knew those rules - all the rules. She could run herself in circles with the logic of it all, but it was abundantly clear that no one outside the Wardens was to ever know everything, not without sharing the same fate as those burdened with the knowledge.

“Fergus Cousland knows who and what we are. Aedan saw fit to place that burden on his brother. Fergus is not only an ally to the Grey Wardens but my oldest…” Mara raised her brows, waiting for the ending she was pretty sure she already knew.

“...friend.”

“Well,”
Mara sat back in her seat, taking a generous gulp of wine as she settled in. “That’s your business, but for someone so rigidly bound to his duty, don’t you think it’s a little odd to be playing favorites? Especially with an old ‘friend’?” She tilted her head at the last word. There was plenty she knew about Nathaniel’s life and plenty she didn’t. The fact that he could still surprise her had not gone unnoticed.

“Sometimes I think you are just looking for reasons to be contrary,”
Nathaniel said as he set aside his mug. “The anger you feel about your situation makes you incapable of doing otherwise.”

“You’re really going to turn this back on me?” The curiosity working its way into Mara’s mind was swiftly swept away by a new rush of indignation. Her cheeks reddened and her nose wrinkled in a way that, had she been looking at herself in a mirror, would have reminded her of how Duff looked when she scolded him. "Alright, let's talk about me."

“I’ve every right to this anger, Nathaniel. You may have been Conscripted, too, but at least you had a reason to appreciate what the Wardens had to offer. Me, on the other hand - oh, Nathaniel, I was fine. I was perfectly fine without the Wardens, and yet every day I have to wake up in the same bed and put on the same damn uniform and sing the praises of the institution that whisked me away from certain execution by corrupt state officials.

"‘Having the Taint is better than being dead, eh?’ - a Warden told me that, thought he was being funny,”
Mara huffed in disbelief. The man was lucky she hadn't made a mess of his bulbous nose.“I make one wrong choice, and I have to suffer for it for the rest of my life. People expect me to be happy that it isn’t worse, to just fucking accept it.” Her fists clenched atop the table and she squeezed her eyes shut. Nathaniel wasn’t the type to give consolation - that much she could already assume.

“I’ve spent most of my life swallowing down that ‘just accept it’ speech and I’m done. I’m angry and tired and sick and so fucking hungry and you can’t just expect me to be okay with it all after only a few months.” She took in a deep breath. No tears, just calm. Just calm, cool anger, like embers floating to the ground. “I need...I need so many things I can’t have now, and I apologize if I’ve been a bit of a bitch - well, a lot of a bitch - about it all, but I think I’ve every right to be angry for awhile.”
 

Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander of Ferelden
Canon Character
Noble
Grey Warden
Post DAI Timeline
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
183
#15
“You’re really going to turn this back on me?” What was good enough for Nathaniel was quite good enough for Mara in his mind. A corner of his ghosted upward as he waited on what came next. "Alright, let's talk about me.” Mara added.

“I’ve every right to this anger, Nathaniel. You may have been Conscripted, too, but at least you had a reason to appreciate what the Wardens had to offer. Me, on the other hand - oh, Nathaniel, I was fine. I was perfectly fine without the Wardens, and yet every day I have to wake up in the same bed and put on the same damn uniform and sing the praises of the institution that whisked me away from certain execution by corrupt state officials.

"‘Having the Taint is better than being dead, eh?’ - a Warden told me that, thought he was being funny.” Die now or die later. That was the choice many Wardens were faced to make. Mara was not alone in that no matter the airs she put on. Still, Nathaniel let her go on uninterrupted, his arms lacing about his chest patiently.

“I make one wrong choice,” she pressed on, her irritation hot upon her face, "and I have to suffer for it for the rest of my life. People expect me to be happy that it isn’t worse, to just fucking accept it.”

Such was the way of things. One mistake was all it took to turn the course of a life.

Fists clenched, eyes squeezed shut, Mara said, “I’ve spent most of my life swallowing down that ‘just accept it’ speech and I’m done. I’m angry and tired and sick and so fucking hungry and you can’t just expect me to be okay with it all after only a few months.” A calm took root with the exhale of a deep breath. “I need...I need so many things I can’t have now, and I apologize if I’ve been a bit of a bitch - well, a lot of a bitch - about it all, but I think I’ve every right to be angry for awhile.”

Anger Nathaniel understood. His anger consumed him for more than a couple months after his conscription. That same anger flared even now from time to time whenever he was faced with some reminder of all he lost at the hands of Aedan Cousland and his own father. There was no true outlet for such anger though. Such anger only lead to more anger.

“Mara,” Nathaniel began, his arms unfurling to rest at his sides. He kept a calm to mirror hers, his annoyance tucked away. He would add no further fuel to an already roaring fire. “I’m not telling you to be angry. Be angry. But direct that anger appropriately. Fair or not, you are a Grey Warden. Fair or not, you were asked to make a choice at Fort Drakon to forfeit your life or join our order. You are not the only Grey Warden forced with that choice. You will not be the last.”

Many more would walk this path; some with equals measure of rage and others less so. Each individual had to work their through the brambles on their own. Nathaniel could try to help Mara along the way but the choice was hers on whether she took such aid or not. He was long since done trying to force it upon her.

He retrieved his practice daggers, palming one in each hand. “I suggest you find a way to live what cannot be changed.” He bent at the waist, a weak bow at best. “My schedule is already quite full today with feeling sorry for myself.” Perhaps just a few small logs upon the fire before taking his leave. “You will have to pardon me if I leave you to your self-pity while I see to my own."
 

Mara Kerr

Prominent member
Grey Warden
DAO/DA2 Timeline
Posts
49
#16
“Mara.” The sound of her name coming from his mouth made her grimace. She couldn’t place the tone - somewhere between “disappointed parent” and “tired friend”. She liked neither of them. “I’m not telling you to be angry. Be angry. But direct that anger appropriately. Fair or not, you are a Grey Warden. Fair or not, you were asked to make a choice at Fort Drakon to forfeit your life or join our order. You are not the only Grey Warden forced with that choice. You will not be the last.”

“But…” She wanted to protest. Every fiber in her being wanted to scream at the unfairness, the injustice of it all, because that was it, wasn’t it? Anger meant she could still fight it. Frustration meant there was still something of her left in there, something she could drag back to the surface to make her feel even a shred of normal. All she could do was dig and dig and dig. It was all she ever did now. Every jab at Nathaniel was another shovelful of dirt. Every drunken daze was earth clawed away at the sides. Every snap, every tear, every scream was another inch deeper.

“I suggest you find a way to live what cannot be changed.”

If she’d stopped for just a moment to look at her hands, she would have seen the nails shredded and worn, her knuckles skinned and her palms almost raw. There was nowhere left to dig. There was no secret way out, not a single scrap of who she was hidden away. There was just dirt, and a pit so deep that the top barely seemed a pinprick of blue. Even as her hands stopped working away at the earth, she still couldn’t admit it.

“I…” Can’t. It was barely a whisper, unfinished save for the breath of thought that caught it. Deep down in that pit staring up at that tiny pin of light, she could see the one thing she wanted most in the world, and part of her still genuinely believed she could find a way to it so long as she just kept digging and digging and digging. Her doubts led to pity which in turn led to frustration then anger then destruction, an endless cycle as she refused again and again to accept the fact that she was never going home.

That was it, wasn’t it? Just one little hurdle, one little fact of life to accept and everything would be better. She’d learned to accept leaving Lothering, to live a wandering life with her father. She’d learned to love it. It wasn’t impossible. She could do it. This time, though...this time, there was no turning her boots in the direction of home and imagining what could be. This was final. This was immutable. This was scary, and as she watched Nathaniel grab his things and leave her to her thoughts, the one thing she couldn’t say was:

Help me through.

So she picked up her own things, trudged back to her room, and hoped for a good dream as she drifted off into yet another fitful sleep.
 
Top