Don't Hold Back [Closed]

[Mara Kerr]

(( 21 Harvestmere, 31 Dragon, Afternoon, @Ferren Bairston ))

Mara shook her head and took a deep breath. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and hoped that the circles beneath them weren’t any worse than usual. By now she’d grown used to seeing them, but after last night’s ordeal she felt like she was having trouble recognizing herself in the mirror all over again.

She tugged at the scarf at her neck. It was a little thick for the weather, but it wasn’t quite wide enough to hide all the bruising that raged at her neck. If Anna had noticed while Mara had bought her cookies from her, she hadn’t said a word about it. Everything was normal.

Everything was normal.

Mara repeated the phrase to herself over and over again as she stood outside Ferren’s door. There were no Darkspawn waiting around the corner. Nobody was going to shove her against a wall or fire arrows at her or turn her into monster. She was here just like any other day, ready to spend a lovely afternoon with a man she…

Her heart fluttered in her chest as she wrapped her fingers around the doorknob and pushed the door open. A lovely afternoon with a man she had feelings for, whatever they might be. Good feelings, definitely. Feelings she hoped would stave off the dread that had weighed her down for much of the day.

“Sorry I’m a little late today, Ferren,”she said with a forced smile as she closed the door behind her. It would come back to her in a moment, she knew it. Ferren always found a way to make those smiles genuine. Today he would do the same, just like normal. Mara tugged up the scarf at her neck. It was going to be a normal day, normal afternoon with Ferren and sunshine and fluttery feelings and good nonsense, nothing desperate about it.

“Still don’t think I’ve figured out your favorite treat yet, so I brought some of those tarts from the first day.” She pulled the tin from her pack and placed it on the table. “So...um...How have things been since, well...since yesterday?” Another forced smile, another wish for normal to turn into real. Maker, she came here for distraction and she was going to try damn hard to find it.

 

[Ferren Bairston]

Things were good. Better than good.

After a morning spent learning how to blow up a wall, Ferren planned on spending the rest of his day off with Mara. She'd come around more often than not lately, always with some treat or another. She'd made it a point of pride to try and figure out which he favored, but honestly the cookies and cakes and pastries were mostly just a bonus. A nice bonus, but a bonus all the same. Mara's company was treat enough. Even when she was having a bad day. Even when her mind was someplace else. Ferren worked hard to fix those things as best he could, and sure, there were things he couldn't understand. Things Nathaniel told him he'd never understand; shouldn't even try to understand.

But they were just... things. Bad things happened to everybody. As long as Mara kept coming around, he'd keep doing everything he could to make her smile, and the bad things wouldn't seem so bad anymore.

He was in the middle of making a list for the barracks when the door opened. Even with his back turned, he knew it was Mara, and an easy smile overtook his features as he rose to greet her.

“Sorry I’m a little late today, Ferren."

The first thing he noticed was that Mara's smile wasn't nearly as easy as his own. In fact, it looked like it was taking a lot of effort just to keep it in place. But that was all right. It'd change soon enough, if he had anything to say about.

"Ran late m'self, and it's no worry either way. You're here now, that's all that matters."

She fussed with the thick scarf that covered part of her neck, and his gaze was drawn there for a moment. Wasn't quite cold enough for that thick of a scarf, and was that a--no, maybe not. Probably just a trick of the light. The suite Fergus set him up in was nice, but the lighting still left a little something to be desired. Right now the window was fighting with the candle he'd been using to write by.

“Still don’t think I’ve figured out your favorite treat yet, so I brought some of those tarts from the first day.” She set the tin down on the table, and Ferren was distracted away from barracks and possible bruises and poor light. He opened the tin shamelessly, pulling out one of the fruit tarts. “So...um...How have things been since, well...since yesterday?”

"Pretty good, aye. Figured out a solution for that wall problem I told y' about. Talked to somebody this morning and bought a whole heap of explosives. Not gonna be setting them off m'self, mind," he said with a grin. "She's gonna take care of it. Once she does, should be a lot more room in the barracks."

He handed the tart to Mara--like a gentleman--and took one out for himself, using his free hand to push all the papers aside so they could sit down. "How about you? Missed y' last night. Everythin' okay?"

That was fine, wasn't it? Sometimes Mara didn't come by. Sometimes she didn't stay. But sometimes she did, and it made him think... well, never mind that. He didn't have much business thinking what he was thinking, and she'd probably just needed a night to herself. His rambling thoughts almost spilled out by way of an apology, but for now he managed to keep his mouth shut and let her answer.

 

[Mara Kerr]

Ferren didn’t seem all too concerned with Mara’s lateness today. Good. That was one more thing she could shrug off and move on from, one less thing she needed to discuss. He was quick to describe his own morning, one that he seemed quite excited about. Who wouldn’t be excited about blowing things up? Mara could feel some of that excitement brightening her own mood, lifting her lips into a flicker of a smile as she listened to him go on about fixing the problem with the barracks. This was already turning into the best part of her day, a much-needed break from the Compound and the tired gazes of the other Wardens.

"How about you?” Ferren asked as he handed Mara one of the tarts. She took it pulled one of the berries off the top to pop into her mouth. Eating one of Anna’s tarts could turn into quite the messy process if one went all in too quickly. “Missed y' last night. Everythin' okay?"

Mara swallowed the berry before gently pulling another one from the top of the tart. This one she held in front of her, her gaze focused on it but her stomach somehow devoid of its usual ravenousness. With a shake of her head she placed the tart back in the tin.

“It was…” An adventure? A nightmare? A trial? She popped the berry in her mouth, chewing on it to buy herself some time to decide on her answer. Honesty was a hard thing to learn, but Maker, she’d been trying to be more open to Ferren over the past few weeks. It had resulted in some interesting conversations, some pleasant surprises, but last night? As she found his gaze, she also found so many ways this conversation could go. Anger. Fear. Concern. Anxiety.

She blinked and shook her head again. There were some bad possibilities, but as her hand reached up to the scarf at her neck, she realized what she really wanted, really needed was comfort, and there was no way she would find that if she was dishonest.

“It was a lot,” she finally said as she pulled the scarf away from her neck. It fell to the floor and settled in a heap at her feet. The bruises flared in hues of purple, blue, and yellow, forming a distorted pattern over her skin. “Darkspawn were found nearby. Those of us still in the Compound were called to help late last night. We took care of it, cleared them out, but it wasn’t a walk in the park.”

“I should’ve sent word to you. I’m sorry.” Mara gave a halfhearted shrug. After what she’d seen the night before, the matter seemed trivial now. If she’d been turned into one of those things, the last thing she wanted was for Ferren to find out. Better to just disappear altogether, fade away into the night like she was so apt to do.

“But I’m here now,” she said softly as she stepped forward and took Ferren’s hand. Maker, even that little bit of warmth was enough to soothe some of the horror of the night before out of her mind. “I’m here.” The repetition was more for herself than Ferren, a reminder that this was real, not a nightmare. Nothing could hurt her here, and it was only now she was realizing just how badly she needed that kind of calm.

 

[Ferren Bairston]

Usually Mara ate with an enthusiasm he could appreciate, but today it seemed like she didn't have much of an appetite. She picked at the tart, her thoughts obviously elsewhere. Not unusual for Mara, and he'd learned to live with that and not ask all the questions he wanted to ask. Nathaniel had told him he'd never understand Warden stuff, so all he could do was just try to make her feel better when she came out the other side.

“It was…” There was a long pause. Ferren chewed his own tart, looking at her with what he hoped was encouragement. Not pushy encouragement. Hopefully. He wanted to know, but things had been going so well he didn't want to chance fucking it all up.. “It was a lot."

She unwrapped the scarf from around her neck, and Ferren sucked in a breath, his eyes wide as he took in the bruising. There was so much of it, all purple and yellow and telling a story of someone--or something--who'd had their hands wrapped around her throat. That was all he could think, anyway. He lifted a hand to his own neck, remembering what it felt like to fight for breath.

"What happened?" He came closer to her, voice wavering a little.

“Darkspawn were found nearby," she said. "Those of us still in the Compound were called to help late last night. We took care of it, cleared them out, but it wasn’t a walk in the park.”

"Aye, I can see that..." The humor in his voice was dry. He found himself growing agitated--angry, even, without a proper target. Who was he going to blame for this? Dead Darkspawn? Not like they could be any more dead. Nathaniel Howe? Not this time. Fergus had mentioned something about Nathaniel not being in Denerim.

“I should’ve sent word to you. I’m sorry.”

He barely heard the words. His gaze was still fixed on the bruising, his mind putting together a picture of something awful. Of those things he'd seen in the Wastes pinning Mara down, very nearly ending her. Not the way Tony had been ended, but bad enough.

“But I’m here now," she stepped closer and took his hand, “I’m here.”

Instinct kicked in, and Ferren gave her hand a squeeze before pulling her into a full-on embrace. He hugged her tight, closing his eyes hard in an effort to block out all the images that kept flashing through his mind. It wasn't his place to ask anymore. It wasn't his place to say anything. He knew that, but he felt so... helpless.

Is this how it was going to be? Was she going to go off sometime and just not come back? He'd have to find out from Nathaniel that she'd been killed, and there wouldn't be a damn thing he could do about it.

It doesn't matter, he tried to remind himself. Three weeks, and whatever this was would be done. No matter how he felt. Thinking that just made things worse, though. If he was in Highever and she was still in Denerim, he definitely wouldn't know when something happened. He pulled back a little, concern written in his features. He couldn't stop looking at those bruises.

"I'm glad y' came back, but... wasn't there somebody there who could've stopped this? I mean, y' haven't been a Warden that long. Do they just throw you in there first thing?"

It was stupid to think that if he had somebody to blame for this, he'd suddenly feel better and get over it. But feeling so useless took its toll, and if he could direct his energy someplace, maybe he'd be able to better understand and help. Or maybe he'd just make things worse.

"Sorry, I just... is there anythin' I can do?"

 

[Mara Kerr]

Maker, she needed this. Her heart nearly leapt into her throat at Ferren’s tug, but his warm embrace was enough to calm every frantic nerve within her. She took a shuddering breath and squeezed her eyes shut before any tears could fall. There was terror in her heart, but there was also warmth and happiness in this moment and she clung to it with everything she had.

"I'm glad y' came back, but…” Ferren pulled back. “...wasn't there somebody there who could've stopped this? I mean, y' haven't been a Warden that long. Do they just throw you in there first thing?"

“It was a little sudden, yes.” That was an understatement. To be summoned in the middle of the night was downright disorienting, but she couldn’t just spend every day training only to never use it. “There weren’t many Wardens left in the Compound, and they needed the help. I can’t say no to that.”

Mara shrugged. She would’ve loved to say no, to just walk away from it all, but that wouldn’t stop the nightmares haunting her sleep and the Taint flowing through her veins.

“I was doing alright.” She gave Ferren a weak smile, as if that would help convince him that she was telling the truth. “I took down a few Darkspawn, but one of them caught me off-guard. Things like that...they can happen. I’ll just need to be more vigilant next time.”

Next time… She could already feel her stomach knotting up at the thought. It had only been a spare few months, but even after facing the Darkspawn beneath Denerim nothing had gotten an easier. If anything, it was worse. She knew what she was facing now, and even armed with the knowledge that she could take them down, it was still incredibly difficult for her to wrap her mind around the fact that that was her life now. She lived not for herself, not for calm moments with Ferren or walks in the forest with Duff - no, she lived to kill Darkspawn. How could she possibly expect herself to come to terms with that?

"Sorry, I just... is there anythin' I can do?"

Mara hesitated, biting her lip as she tried to think. Nothing was her first thought. He couldn’t fight Darkspawn, not without the risk of getting Tainted himself. He couldn’t make her nightmares go away, but he’d sure tried to over the past few weeks. He couldn’t run away with her, not without sacrificing everything he’d worked so hard to gain. She wasn’t sure how much she was worth to him but she was quite sure it wasn’t that much.

“Just...stay.” It was the first logical, coherent thing that came to mind. She picked up her scarf from the ground and wrapped it around her neck once more, obscuring the bruises as much as she could. “I just need some time away from it all.”

I need you. She didn’t dare say it, though. The way her heart ached every time she was with him, every time she even thought of him - somehow she felt it would all shatter if she said it out loud. It would mean admitting to herself what she’d been trying not to feel all along, and, Maker, she couldn’t do that. Not yet.

“So let’s just stay here, alright? Just have a quiet afternoon - you, me, and no Wardens or monsters or anything. That’s what we can do.”

 

[Ferren Bairston]

“It was a little sudden, yes.” Mara agreed. “There weren’t many Wardens left in the Compound, and they needed the help. I can’t say no to that.”

Well where the fuck had they all gone? Weren't they supposed to be around for stuff like this? Darkspawn showed up. Wardens took care of it. That was all Ferren had ever needed or cared to know. Only... apparently there was more to it than that, if the bruises on Mara's neck were any indication. His heart hurt when he looked at them, and he felt that rage slowly simmering beneath the surface, kept at bay only because he didn't have a proper target for it.

“I was doing alright. I took down a few Darkspawn, but one of them caught me off-guard. Things like that...they can happen. I’ll just need to be more vigilant next time.”

Things like that could happen. Sure. Consciously he'd known that all along, but knowing it and seeing it were two different things. He knew he could be killed at his own job within seconds if everything went wrong, yet he'd never come close, he it wasn't something he laid awake at night worrying about. This, though... he'd worry about this. How could he not?

Maybe because it's not supposed to be any of your damn business, he reminded himself. Three weeks. That was it. He wasn't going to be waiting up, hoping she came home someday. That wasn't going to be his life because that wasn't what they'd agreed to. Still, he wanted to do something. Even if all he could be for her was an escape.

“Just...stay.” He nodded, watching wordlessly as she picked up the scarf again. It may have kept him from seeing the bruises, but he still knew they were there. “I just need some time away from it all.”

Ferren offered her a smile, trying to make it warmer than the chill he felt right now. He could do that. It was the only thing he could do for her, and it bothered him. But if she needed time away from it, he'd damn well make sure she had time away from it.

“So let’s just stay here, alright? Just have a quiet afternoon - you, me, and no Wardens or monsters or anything. That’s what we can do.”

"Sounds like a good afternoon to me," he said, taking that time to reach for the tarts she'd brought. Sweets made everything better. Especially when they were shared. Carefully halving one, he offered the other half to her. "And if y'decide you don't like being cooped up here, we can go out someplace. Maybe look for Duff, see if he found that scrap o' fabric."

Probably another thing she didn't want to think about. He knew how much Duff meant to her, and the fact that he hadn't gotten back to Denerim yet was worrisome. Ferren almost winced at how bad he was at this whole cheering someone up thing when he was distracted. Normally it was one of the things he was best at, and he redoubled his efforts to be what Mara needed in that moment.

"Or..." He scooted out a chair at the small table. "I've got a bottle o' whiskey, a deck o' cards--most of which are, y'know, legitimate--and a lot of random stuff I can talk about. Some of which I'm pretty sure is guaranteed t' make you laugh, at least." He grinned at her. "Or y'can just swindle me out of my hard-earned coin, if y'think you can bluff that well."

 

[Mara Kerr]

"Sounds like a good afternoon to me," Ferren said as he reached for a tart and handed half of it to Mara. She took a tentative bite and tried to focus on how strong its sweet taste was, but somehow it stung sour on her tongue instead. "And if y'decide you don't like being cooped up here, we can go out someplace. Maybe look for Duff, see if he found that scrap o' fabric."

“Maybe…” Her gaze drifted to the side. Maybe not. She still had a few days before she truly needed to be concerned. The trip back from Gwaren was a long one, and Duff had to take care of himself along the way. He was a smart wolf, just not smart enough to find his way back to Denerim early. That, and Mara couldn’t help but feel her stomach twist at the thought of walking out to an empty clearing again. She didn’t need the disappointment, nor was she keen on stacking more worries to think about.

"Or...I've got a bottle o' whiskey, a deck o' cards--most of which are, y'know, legitimate--and a lot of random stuff I can talk about. Some of which I'm pretty sure is guaranteed t' make you laugh, at least." His grin brought a brief glimmer of a smile to her face. It was always impossible to frown at that smile of his. "Or y'can just swindle me out of my hard-earned coin, if y'think you can bluff that well."

As Mara took a seat, her little smile faded. There was nothing she wanted more than to curl up in his arms and forget the world for the day, but as she looked at him something felt off. Ferren was an earnest man - there was no hiding that. Even so, she couldn’t shake the feeling that this was more upsetting than he was letting on. She’d only known him a month, but by now she was well aware at how bad he was at hiding his true feelings. This earnestness wasn’t his normal eagerness to make her happy; no, there was the slightest hint of desperation, one that she’d never caught before.

“Is something wrong, Ferren?” Mara asked as she reached for the bottle of whiskey and poured a glass for each of them. “I mean, besides the obvious.” She pushed one glass to Ferren before taking a good gulp from her own. “I know you weren’t...ah…expecting this today, but, well…”

She squeezed her eyes shut. Well...what?

Well...I’m sorry about it. About everything. Maker, there was so much to be sorry for: not telling him where she’d gone, hiding the truth of the Wardens from him, lying to him about this, that, and her own damn feelings. Some days it was true, but others she couldn’t tell if she was being honest or simply hiding behind the I like you’s and all glowing laughter.

Well...this is how it’s going to be. The sudden missions, the injuries, the tired eyes and tired heart. She’d seen it in the other Wardens, and now she was seeing it in herself more than she had anticipated. If they were going to do anything beyond these few weeks, it was something they would both have to come to terms with. Part of Mara had one foot off the cliff, ready to take the leap, but the other part was looking back at Ferren, doubting that he would jump off with her.

Well...I think I’m falling for you. No, she wouldn’t say that, wouldn’t do that to either of them.

“Well...are you alright?” She could already feel the disappointment settling over her. Of all the things she could say, all the ways she could’ve led the conversation, she chose a dumb question. Of course he wasn’t alright. Nothing about this situation was alright, but maybe if he said it, somehow it would feel just a little alright. She was reaching for that stability, that sanctuary Ferren was so willing to offer her, even though she already knew it wasn’t there. Not today.

 

[Ferren Bairston]

Mara must not have had much faith in her ability to bluff, since she didn't seem on board with his plan. Either that or he wasn't as distracting as he hoped he'd been. The smile she gave him didn't reach her eyes, and it faded quickly. His heart sank a little, knowing he hadn't done what he'd set out to do. It was hard to focus everything he had on being fun and silly and more like his usual self when a part of him was still worried about what might happen when she walked out that door.

“Is something wrong, Ferren?” She did at least have room in her life for whiskey, and when she offered him a glass, he took it without hesitation. “I mean, besides the obvious. I know you weren’t...ah…expecting this today, but, well…”

He definitely hadn't been expecting it. Maybe he should have, though. Nathaniel had made it clear that being a Warden was dangerous, and no matter what his relationship was with Mara, there wasn't a damn thing he could do about that.

It was something he just wanted to sweep aside. Take it out into the woods somewhere and bury it. He'd never been good at doing that, though. His mind came back to those things, over and over, and even when he wasn't actively trying to think on them, they were there. That was what Mara must've picked up on. He threw back a gulp of whiskey and braced himself.

“Well...are you alright?”

He wasn't. Seeing those bruises around her neck filled him with anger and fear and a strong feeling of helplessness that he really didn't like. But she didn't want him to be the person who sat at home and worried about her while she was out. Ferren wasn't sure he wanted to do that, either, though for her, he would have. It was the same reason he was willing to just play the role of easy, convenient companion. There when she needed him, but not ever talking about the future or anything more, despite the fact that he desperately wanted more.

And... maybe it was time to tell her that. They were closing in on the end of three weeks. He wasn't going to get a chance to see her after he left Denerim. Not for a long while, anyway, and maybe not ever. He didn't think for a second that he was going to change anything, but he still hoped for it. He could at least start by telling her he gave a damn whether she lived or died on those missions, right?

"No... Guess I'm not," he said, reaching up to rub at his jaw. "I just... I hate seeing y'like that." He gestured to his own neck. "Not just the bruises. I mean, it's obvious it affected you. You're scared, and I wanna be able to help--really help, not just pretend none o' this happened. And I can't. I know that."

He let out a breath through his nose, his thumb tapping on the edge of his glass. There were a lot of things he could say, and a lot of ways to say those things. He'd been so careful over the last few weeks. Ferren didn't really have it in him to hide his true feelings completely, but he could ignore them for a while. Just pretend that he and Mara wanted the same thing and everything would work out okay.

That was all fine when the biggest sources of conflict were things like what happened at the arl's party, or his "talk" with Nathaniel Howe. They both seemed stupid now, faced with those bruises and what they meant.

"I hate the fact that I'm gonna go back t'Highever and just... not know. Nobody's gonna tell me if something happens. Why would they? We won't be anythin' to each other by then." She'd still be something to him, but that wasn't a point he planned to make just yet. "Y'could need somebody, and I won't be here. Y'could be hurt... or worse... and there's nothing I'll be able to do about it."

And it kills me. He kept that part out of it. He'd already said more than he should have. He knew that as soon as the words left his mouth. But he was feeling desperate; grasping at things he couldn't have. There was no way it would end well, but some part of him still hoped that maybe there was a way.

 

[Mara Kerr]

"No... Guess I'm not," Ferren replied as he reached up to rub at his jaw. Mara expected that answer, but it still made her heart sink. Of course he was going to be upset. Who wouldn’t? That didn’t make this situation any easier, though. "I just... I hate seeing y'like that. Not just the bruises. I mean, it's obvious it affected you. You're scared, and I wanna be able to help--reallyhelp, not just pretend none o' this happened. And I can't. I know that."

“We don’t have to pretend,” Mara protested. “I just...it was a lot, Ferren, and as much as I want to stop thinking about it, it’s still there. I don’t know what to do with it all, but pretending is an easy out.”

"I hate the fact that I'm gonna go back t'Highever and just... not know. Nobody's gonna tell me if something happens. Why would they? We won't be anythin' to each other by then."

But you’re something to me right now. Mara took a gulp from her glass, feeling the whiskey burn its way down her throat before the heat settled in her like a campfire. Another gulp kept her mouth shut. She wouldn’t say it. She wouldn’t say anything. One more gulp and the glass was finished. Another glass poured. A flush was already warming her cheeks. Nothing would spill from her lips, though.

"Y'could need somebody, and I won't be here. Y'could be hurt... or worse... and there's nothing I'll be able to do about it."

“Isn’t that what I said from the start?” It came out harsher than she’d intended, but there it was. They both knew what this relationship would entail. At least, she hoped he’d figured it out like she had. “There was always going to be secrets, Ferren. There’s always things I won’t be able to tell you, and, sure, I might have to disappear. But that doesn’t take away everything we’ve had together, does it?”

Another gulp. How was she supposed to explain this? Her mind chased its tail, running in circles as she tried to find the right way to approach this conversation. It was coming. She always knew it was coming. Now it was here and the right words hadn’t come with it. She fixed her gaze on Ferren, taking in his those gentle hazel eyes and those curls she’s run her fingers through countless times, and decided that this was it. Either she was going to leave this room the happiest woman in Denerim or she was going to walk out carrying the remains of a broken heart. There was only one way to determine that.

“I need to know, Ferren,” she placed her glass back in the table, “if you’re okay with this. I’m a Grey Warden. I will never be able to stop being a Grey Warden. I will always have secrets, and I can’t guarantee I will be here tomorrow. Can you live with that? Because that’s the hard truth of all of this - you have that choice, and you don’t have much time left to make it. After everything we’ve been through, can you live with that?”

She considered pouring herself another glass. Whatever his answer would be, she knew she’d need a calmed mind to process it. Half drunk was better than taut nerves ready to snap at the wrong word. Even so, it still wasn’t enough to stop her mind from zig-zagging thoughts.

None of this was fair. Mara hated how much she loved Ferren, how quickly she’d fallen for that smile of his. Every little glance, every little touch brushed away some of the fear and the dread the Warden life burned into her. Her only regret was how little she’d shown it. Even now she tucked herself behind that wall. There were plenty of holes he’d made, holes that she didn’t want to repair anymore, but her heart didn’t want to stay behind that wall anymore.

Her mind, on the other hand, had a very different perspective. The wall wasn’t about protecting herself anymore. No, it was all about protecting Ferren. He was fragile, and she was a monster. She knew she’d hurt him before, and she was more than capable of doing it again and again and again. He deserved safety. He deserved happiness. He deserved someone that wasn’t her. She could never give him what he wanted, her mind told her, not in the way he needed it. She was better off behind the wall, and he was better off walking free on the other side where she couldn’t harm him.

All her heart needed was four words: I can live with that. Four words would shatter those walls, to tell her mind that it was wrong. The walls would become armor: lighter, a way to hold in those last things she couldn’t say, but she wouldn’t care. She would leap out at least, free to just bewith him. Free. Maker, she missed that word so much.

And yet all her mind needed was four words, too: I can’t live with that. Her mind would win. She would break. She would thrash and scratch and bite and roar, but it would be behind the walls where he would never see, would never be in the way. He would never know, and he would be better off for it. In the end, wasn’t that what really mattered?

 

[Ferren Bairston]

He probably should've predicted Mara's initial reaction. It came with a hard crash, like thunder right after a lightning strike.

“Isn’t that what I said from the start? There was always going to be secrets, Ferren. There’s always things I won’t be able to tell you, and, sure, I might have to disappear. But that doesn’t take away everything we’ve had together, does it?”

"Aye, it was what y'said." He swiped a hand through his hair, fingers snagging in the curls. Fucking Warden secrets. "And it doesn't. I just... I don't know."

It wasn't much of an answer, and Ferren knew he wasn't being fair. What did it matter if he couldn't come to her rescue? That wasn't ever going to be his role in her life, even if he wanted it to be. He should just... be happy with what he had. Not like he had a whole lot of ground to stand on when it came to asking for more. He'd known what he'd gotten himself into.

“I need to know, Ferren,” the words were punctuated by the soft thunk of her empty glass on the table, "if you’re okay with this. I’m a Grey Warden. I will never be able to stop being a Grey Warden. I will always have secrets, and I can’t guarantee I will be here tomorrow. Can you live with that? Because that’s the hard truth of all of this - you have that choice, and you don’t have much time left to make it. After everything we’ve been through, can you live with that?”

He met her gaze and forced himself not to look away. His brows were drawn up as if silently begging her not to ask him the same question he'd asked himself.

He could live with it. He could. He should be able to, anyway, and what the fuck was wrong with him if he couldn't?

"I mean, I can live with it for right now. We don't have a lot o' time left. Rather not waste it worrying about things I can't do anythin' about."

There was an edge to his voice Ferren didn't like and didn't really want to examine. It wasn't anger; definitely wasn't rage. It was a frustration that come from feeling helpless, and like nothing he wanted was going to matter anyway. Because if he was honest with himself, this wasn't what he wanted. A few more days before he headed back to Highever. Maybe casually bumping into her whenever they were in the same place at the same time.

He'd known all along he wouldn't be able to just turn his feelings off the moment he left. Lin warned him, too; told him to get out while he still could. And she'd been right, because here he was feeling things he did and didn't want to feel, wanting things he couldn't have, and having to deal with the fact that even if he could have them, there'd still be this huge wall between them.

"Mara, I..." he let out a sound of frustration, second-guessing himself before just blurting it all out, "I could live with it, sure, if all you and me are is the next few days. But I don't want us to be that. And I know, I know what I said, and I tried not t'feel the way I do. I really did, cause life would be a hell of a lot easier."

Everything in his life would be easier if he could just turn that off. He couldn't, though. If Ferren had learned anything over the years, it was that. And he was starting to see that the things he wanted weren't things he could just shove aside and not think about.

"I want... more than this. I know I'm not all that subtle. Y' can't have missed that I have feelings for you, Mara, and they're not just gonna go away once I leave Denerim. So yeah, it's hard for me. But I could sort it out. If..." fucking hell, apparently he was doing this, "if y'feel the same, I could sort things out. I could learn how t'be okay with it. For you."

 

[Mara Kerr]

"I mean, I can live with it for right now. We don't have a lot o' time left. Rather not waste it worrying about things I can't do anythin' about."

The walls were shaking, cracks splitting the stones and threatening to collapse. Mara desperately wanted to believe what he was saying, but her mind was quick to intervene. There was a lot to pick apart in his words already.

I can live with it for right now.

Rather not waste it…

Temporary. What he was saying was temporary. Short-term words wasn’t what she was looking for. And what were these worries? There was a helplessness to his words, a helplessness that, while not unwarranted, still felt like an exaggeration. Duty bound her to a world where he couldn’t intervene, but that never meant he was unwelcome. A sickening feeling was knotting in Mara’s stomach. Somehow it seemed this conversation was turning itself in all the wrong ways.

"Mara, I...I could live with it, sure, if all you and me are is the next few days. But I don't want us to be that. And I know, I know what I said, and I tried not t'feel the way I do. I really did, cause life would be a hell of a lot easier."

The walls shattered. Within herself Mara could see the rubble piled around her feet, and there was Ferren on the other side. She could see him. She could see the future that she so desperately wanted, but as she tried to take that step forward, a root twisted itself around her ankle and dragged her back.

Temporary.

The word rang like a bell in the back of her mind. Ferren was talking temporary. Ferren was talking about the easy way. Beneath his words, Ferren was saying everything she didn’t want to hear.

"I want... more than this. I know I'm not all that subtle. Y' can't have missed that I have feelings for you, Mara, and they're not just gonna go away once I leave Denerim. So yeah, it's hard for me. But I could sort it out. If...if y'feel the same, I could sort things out. I could learn how t'be okay with it. For you."

Silence fell over the room as Mara curled in on herself, drawing her knees up to her chest and letting her hair fall around her face. Her eyes burned and her throat felt like it was going to close up on her. She’d never felt her heart ache so hard before.

This was a draw. Ferren had admitted he could live with what she was, and her heart was ready to sail off into the sunset with that. Before that vision could go far, though, her mind was quick to point out that he wasn’t wholeheartedly agreeing to what she’d asked for. There was a condition there, an if. Mara didn’t like if. If was risky. If left too many opportunities for failure, for disappointment. If would gnaw at her nightmares and claw at her daydreams.

“Maker, Ferren,” she breathed. I love you more than you know was what she wanted to say, but the words caught in her throat and all she could get out was a choked sob. The tears burned at her eyes as she realized what she would have to do.

There would be no if so long as she destroyed everyone who could ask it. In the back of her mind she could feel herself turning into the monster she had been keeping behind those walls, claws digging into the rubble that had piled up moments ago. The roots of her mind released her, and she prepared to lunge.

“I feel a lot, Ferren! I feel so, so damn much!” She lifted her head up to rest her chin on her knees, but the sight of Ferren made her want to take a step back instead of taking the leap. She put her hands over her face, hiding herself and the tears that threatened to give it all away.

“Every time I look at you I feel and I don’t know what to do with it, but, Maker, Ferren! This isn’t fair to either of us! This isn’t something that we can just learn to live with. That wasn’t what I asked you.” She took a deep breath, steadying herself before she leapt for his throat. “I know you, Ferren. I know that you worry and that you care too damn much about everything, and I know that you’ll never learn to live with this. If you can’t do it now, then who’s to say if you’ll be able to in a month? A year? When you say you can learn to live with what I am, I don’t believe you, and I can’t believe you would just lie to yourself like that.”

Mara’s jaw was tight. As she pulled her hands away from her face she wiped some of her tears away with it. Her claws were out, ready to sink in with just a few more sentences. For the sake of them both, she hoped she could get through them without faltering. It would be easier for both of them if she could get through it all without giving away what feelings were driving her to this extreme.

“I know you want a family. I know you want children and happiness and a loving home and all those sweet little nothings that make our lives worth living. I also know that I can’t give you any of that. I can’t give you a family or a home or a happy little life. As badly as I-” She caught herself. No, that wasn’t right. She needed to turn this conversation back to him. It was Ferren she was hurting, not herself.

“You can’t learn to live without the things you want, Ferren. Especially if those things are peaceful and calm and sweet and important. So tell me, Ferren. Tell me you can live without that, because I already know you can’t.”

 

[Ferren Bairston]

He wasn't sure what he expected. As much as he played the fool sometimes, Ferren wasn't an idiot. History said this wasn't going to go well. Not just his history with Mara, which was filled with arguments and walk-outs and words that cut a lot deeper than he thought they would, but his history with partners in general.

His record was... well, it was shit, to be honest. A whole lot of lessons learned the hard way. And as Mara choked back a sob, he had a feeling this was going to be another one of those lessons.

“I feel a lot, Ferren! I feel so, so damn much!” She hid her face, the same way she did when she didn't want him to see what was really going on. This time he fought the urge to pull her hands down. “Every time I look at you I feel and I don’t know what to do with it, but, Maker, Ferren! This isn’t fair to either of us! This isn’t something that we can just learn to live with. That wasn’t what I asked you.”

"I didn't mean--"

“I know you, Ferren. I know that you worry and that you care too damn much about everything, and I know that you’ll never learn to live with this. If you can’t do it now, then who’s to say if you’ll be able to in a month? A year? When you say you can learn to live with what I am, I don’t believe you, and I can’t believe you would just lie to yourself like that.”

Ferren's jaw set and he drew in a breath through his nose. It wasn't anger he felt, but an almost overwhelming frustration because he knew she was right. She was fucking right, and he hated it. She'd been right before and she was right now, but that didn't change his feelings or what he wanted.

"Aye, I do care. And I will worry. I'll worry every time I don't hear from you. But... I mean that's the reality of it. Y'warned me, and here we are." Because he cared too much, apparently. "It was a lot t'take in, Mara. Okay? Fuck's sake, y' could've been killed! Proof's right there, plain t'see. I don't think I'm lying to myself just because I need some time t'come to terms with this."

She didn't accept that, and she had that tightness to her jaw that told him he'd better fucking prepare himself, because he wasn't going to like what came next.

“I know you want a family," she practically threw the words at him, "I know you want children and happiness and a loving home and all those sweet little nothings that make our lives worth living. I also know that I can’t give you any of that. I can’t give you a family or a home or a happy little life. As badly as I-” So she did want that. He hadn't imagined it. “You can’t learn to live without the things you want, Ferren. Especially if those things are peaceful and calm and sweet and important. So tell me, Ferren. Tell me you can live without that, because I already know you can’t.”

"And why can't I? Why can't we, if that's something you want, too? I'm not understanding here, Mara." His hand raked through his hair, his frustration clear. "I mean... look, I'm not delusional. Unless y'somehow get stationed in Highever, we're not even gonna see each other much. But maybe y'could. And I know it wouldn't be easy, but why can't we have all that?"

Because the thought of your kids growing up without their mother would do you in.

He didn't know how Fergus did it--how he looked into Riane's hazel eyes every single day and didn't just see Rae. But that was something that could happen to anybody. It just... probably happened more when Wardens were involved. He didn't know much, but he knew firsthand what darkspawn could do.

His heart sank with the reality of what was happening. Deep down, he knew. This was the end of it. No other way it could go. But that same feeling that made him fight until he collapsed rose up in him now. Maybe it was stubbornness. Maybe it was just idiocy. But he wasn't willing to give up without a fight.

"If we both want it, then it'll happen. We'll figure it out, because it matters. And I know y' can't look me in the eyes and tell me y' don't want that. I know what you've said," he moved closer to her, settling in front of her, his voice growing quieter, "but I know you, too, Mara."

 

[Mara Kerr]

Mara knew he would fight it. Typical Ferren. Sweet Ferren. Why did he have to make this so damn difficult? She wanted him to get angry. She wanted him to be the one to shout and make a mess so at least he could break her heart, too, but of course he had to choose this moment to be reasonable.

"And why can't I? Why can't we, if that's something you want, too? I'm not understanding here, Mara. I mean... look, I'm not delusional. Unless y'somehow get stationed in Highever, we're not even gonna see each other much. But maybe y'could. And I know it wouldn't be easy, but why can't we have all that?"

“Because we...we just…” Mara squeezed her eyes shut, brows furrowed in frustration. We can have it but it’s too risky and too terrifying and too much and… “...we just can’t, Ferren.”

"If we both want it, then it'll happen. We'll figure it out, because it matters. And I know y' can't look me in the eyes and tell me y' don't want that. I know what you've said," Mara didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until Ferren settled in front of her, "but I know you, too, Mara."

Mara released her breath in a heavy, exasperated sigh. In her mind her bite was already clamped down on him, teeth digging in but no blood coming out. She had to push, bite harder and scratch with those sharp claws of hers until he finally got the message that he wasn’t safe, that this was no place for a man like him.

“You don’t, Ferren!” Mara exclaimed as she suddenly stood up. “You don’t know anything about me!” No, he knew too much about her and not enough at the same time, and it drove her mad to hide the things she really wanted him to know while he figured out all the things she didn’t.

“A month! All we’ve had is a month and you think you’ve got me pinned down, don’t you? Well, guess what? If you knew even a fraction of what you claim to know about me, then you’d know,” she leaned down and placed her hands on his cheeks, making sure to look directly in his hazel eyes, “that I can’t want this.” Just as quickly as she’d drawn herself in she pulled herself away, turning swiftly to face the wall. Pick a spot, stare at it. Don’t think, just act. The right words, the ones that could stab the deepest, had to be somewhere.

“Why do you have to make this so damn difficult, Ferren?” Her jaw was tight again, and she tried not to grind her teeth as she picked her next words carefully. “You’re a real fool, you know that? You didn’t have to do any of this. I didn’t have to do any of this, and now I’m...I’m choosing not to do it anymore. Why can’t you just think for a few seconds and realize that no matter how badly you want this, you can’t have it?”

She was asking herself the same question over and over again in her head. The lies coming out of her mouth were natural enough - she’d been spinning and twisting words ever since she’d learned how to navigate by the stars and sleep where the bears would never find her. She wasn’t choosing to break their imagined future into tiny little pieces. No, she was compelled to by the same force that compelled her to stay in the forests with her father long ago, the same force that made her drink from the Joining Chalice and become a Grey Warden. This wasn’t choice, it was survival, and if survival meant breaking a few hearts now so that they wouldn’t be lost in the future, then so be it. She would lie and lie and lie until Ferren understood that no matter how much he believed they could work things out, he would fare much better without her.

“It’s not that hard, Ferren!” Mara whirled around to face him once more, her resolve settled despite the sickening twist of her stomach. Maybe it was all the whiskey that made her want to gag. It was easier to blame that than to face the obvious. “I’ve figured it out! I know this isn’t something we can just learn to live with.” There it was again. “How would you like to wonder every night if I’m coming home? How would you like to know that I will always, always have secrets I can’t tell you? How would you like to never have a family? Never have a steady home or a steady life or anything safe at all? Because that’s what I live with and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. You don’t realize the luxury you have when you can choose to live a better life.”

“So please, Ferren.” She sank back into her chair, hands over her face once more as a sudden wave of exhaustion fell over her. “Please, let me go, if not for your own sake, then for mine. I don’t want to do this to you. I just…” Maker, she would not cry. She would not cry. “I don’t want to rob you of the life you deserve all because you think you’re in love.”

She should’ve just said I hate you and walked away. It would’ve been easier. One simple lie and a one-way trip out the door. Even though she’d been fully intent on lying her way through this, she realized she’d never been so honest with him before. How was it so easy to tell the truth when all she wanted to do was lie? Her mind was nonsense, she realized. This whole situation was nonsense. Ferren was nonsense. The Wardens were nonsense. Everything was nonsense. So much nonsense Mara could hardly see it as a word anymore. Nonsense was everything, and she hated it.

“Maker, Ferren, this is such a mess.” Her hands dropped back into her lap as she leaned her head back on the chair. She took in a deep breath before letting out another one of her tired, exasperated sighs. “It would be so much easier if I just made you hate me, wouldn’t it?” She lifted her head up to look at Ferren once more. This was a terrible idea. This was where the claws would sink in.

“I’ve called you a fool countless times and yet you can’t get it through your thick skull, can you?” She stood up and began pacing around him as if she was searching for all the points that would hurt the most. “You’re too easy, too quick to reveal what’s on your mind. It makes you weak. Maybe if you learned to shut up every once in a while people would think of you as more of a man and less of a child.” Her eyes flicked up and down his figure once. “A few inches would probably help, too.” She punctuated her words with a smirk. Bad. Lies. Truth. It would work. It would cut. It would cut deep. Deeper. Not deep enough yet.

“I bet Kali thought the same things before she left.” Deepest. It was the lowest blow Mara could possibly strike, and she was going for it. “I bet she knew better than to stick around with someone so delusional as you. Grow up, Ferren. Life isn’t a fairytale no matter how badly you want it to be. There are no happy endings. Kali knew it. I know it. You need to figure it out, too, or you’ll be a fool forever.”

If somebody had asked her what the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life was, Mara’s answer would’ve been how she held her face firm and steady in this moment. Her heart wanted to make her fall to her knees and cry and apologize and take it all back, but her mind was firmly in control now and it had a stranglehold on the situation. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move a muscle lest she lose the angry, intense, and deadly serious face she put on. If this didn’t work, nothing else would. It had to work. It had to work.

 

[Ferren Bairston]

“You don’t, Ferren!” She stood up so suddenly he almost stumbled backward. “You don’t know anything about me!”

He didn't know everything. He'd never know everything. Nathaniel had said as much, and Mara confirmed it. But he knew enough, and he got ready to list off all of those things he knew--or thought he knew--beyond a shadow of a doubt when she continued.

She went on about them only knowing each other a month, which, sure. That was true. But it was enough time for Ferren to know what he wanted, and to know Mara wanted the same thing. She just wasn't willing to let herself have it, something she said with such raw emotion in her voice that his heart ached. She turned away from him, her whole body tense, and he resisted the urge to go up to her and wrap his arms around her until she let him prove this wasn't impossible.

Deep down, though, he already knew it wouldn't help. That fact was confirmed when Mara started to cut him. Shallow swipes at first, as if her blades were knicking skin just enough to bleed. Wouldn't be the first time she'd called him a fool, and it probably wouldn't be the last. Even deeper than that, though, was a growing frustration that was turning to anger.

“It’s not that hard, Ferren!” When she faced him again, her green eyes were colder than he'd ever seen them. “I’ve figured it out! I know this isn’t something we can just learn to live with. How would you like to wonder every night if I’m coming home? How would you like to know that I will always, always have secrets I can’t tell you? How would you like to never have a family? Never have a steady home or a steady life or anything safe at all? Because that’s what I live with and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. You don’t realize the luxury you have when you can choose to live a better life.”

That anger slowly growing inside of him wanted to lash out; to tell her she was being really fucking dramatic just to make a point. He knew Wardens had to give up the chance at a completely "normal," life, but the way she told it, they might as well have been Chantry sisters. Thankfully she didn't even give him the chance to say anything. She just kept on.

“So please, Ferren.” He stood there feeling like he was on the edge of Highever cliffs, watching the waves crash violently against them. “Please, let me go, if not for your own sake, then for mine. I don’t want to do this to you. I just…I don’t want to rob you of the life you deserve all because you think you’re in love.”

"I don't think, Mara," he said sharply. It wasn't really the nicest way to tell her what he'd known for a while now, but Ferren wasn't feeling very nice.

“Maker, Ferren, this is such a mess. It would be so much easier if I just made you hate me, wouldn’t it?”

As tired as she looked, he knew the worst was yet to come and he steeled himself for it, folding his arms over his chest as if they'd even begin to protect him. Even thought he expected it, he still wasn't really prepared for what followed.

“I’ve called you a fool countless times and yet you can’t get it through your thick skull, can you?” Ferren drew in a breath through his nose. There it was again. That word. He was starting to hate that fucking word. “You’re too easy, too quick to reveal what’s on your mind. It makes you weak. Maybe if you learned to shut up every once in a while people would think of you as more of a man and less of a child. A few inches would probably help, too.”

He snorted, a look of disbelief on his features. "Really? That's what you're going with? Come on, Mara. Y'can do better than that."

She was pacing around him, and for the first time since he'd known her, Ferren didn't feel safe. He felt exposed, knowing it was only a matter of time before she did more than just scratch.

“I bet Kali thought the same things before she left.” He flinched at that. She'd found a way in, and she sure as hell was going to take it. “I bet she knew better than to stick around with someone so delusional as you. Grow up, Ferren. Life isn’t a fairytale no matter how badly you want it to be. There are no happy endings. Kali knew it. I know it. You need to figure it out, too, or you’ll be a fool forever.”

He stared at her, his jaw held rigid, his hazel eyes burning with a mix of anger and hurt and grief. It wasn't rage boiling under the surface; he wasn't feeling violent. But he was starting to think the line between hate and love could be crossed a lot easier than he ever thought. One last time, he tried to find the truth behind what she was saying--the fear that drove it. But he couldn't. Some part of her was telling the truth, and he didn't know how to reconcile with that.

"Y'know what Kali thought, Mara? Kali thought I didn't fucking matter enough to stick around." He'd spent so long thinking he'd driven her off, but the truth of it was there all along, "and I guess that must be what you think, too. Not sure how I didn't see it. Maybe I am a fool, for all the times y'called me one. This past month, every time I thought y'were just scared, but no. That really is what y'think of me. Must be, or we wouldn't be here right now."

Ferren's life had been filled with people telling him he wasn't good enough--mostly himself. Here was one more person to add to that list. And Maker, he hated that it got to him. He'd shrugged off so much, but he couldn't do it with this. There was no fucking way he could shrug off her echoing his own darkest thoughts. All but saying he was a waste of life and wasn't worth loving.

Because that was what she was saying. He wasn't worth it. Whatever this could be, it wasn't worth it. And for the first time since he'd run into her in Denerim, Ferren was starting to feel the same.

"Y'know what, Mara? You win. You fucking win." His arms came out in an exaggerated sweep, exposing his torso as if he were finally giving up; finally letting her strike the deathblow. "You're right, I do want a family. I want my partner t'be able to tell me when something's wrong. I want them to be safe and happy, and you're so buried in your own self-pity that it's apparently not ever gonna happen. Your life's not over jus' because you're a Warden now, Mara," he said with a growl. "Aye, go ahead, tell me I don't know anythin' about it. Doesn't change the fact that you're so damn busy feeling sorry for yourself y' can't even see a future."

He'd once thought anger was a sickness; a poison that crept into his blood. He'd been taught to harness it, told it was a part of him as much as anything else, but right now? Right now, Ferren just wanted to cut the poison out and be done with it.

"What would your father think, if he could see you now, huh? Y'think he'd be proud? Because I think he'd just feel so fucking sad for you, just like I'm starting t'feel."

 

[Mara Kerr]

It was working. It was working a little too well. She could see the hurt in his eyes, see the clench of his jaw as he took in everything she’d just said. Let it never be said that Mara half-assed anything, even a bad breakup - if this could even be called a breakup. She wasn’t sure if what they were qualified as a relationship, but it was as close a description as she could get for now.

"Y'know what Kali thought, Mara? Kali thought I didn't fucking matter enough to stick around, and I guess that must be what you think, too. Not sure how I didn't see it. Maybe I am a fool, for all the times y'called me one. This past month, every time I thought y'were just scared, but no. That really is what y'think of me. Must be, or we wouldn't be here right now."

Right. Yes. That’s what she thought now. That’s what she told herself to think now. If that was what was going to hurt him the most, then let him believe it. For his sake and hers, she played the part, the monster. Those claws grew longer, teeth sharper than before. Another bite would convince him beyond a shadow of a doubt, she just knew it.

“Now you’re getting it, Ferren,” Mara snarled. Now he was getting it. He was getting that he needed to be angry at her. She needed him to hate her, to strike out at her just as much as she was striking at him. There was a monster in him, too, and the sooner she drew it out of him, the easier it would be for her to convince herself she could leave, that her job was done. They would be better off. They had to be.

"Y'know what, Mara? You win. You fucking win," Ferren said with a sweep of his arms. Mara resisted the urge to run over to him and embrace him and apologize. No, that would ruin everything. She needed this to work, for both their sakes. For both. "You're right, I do want a family. I want my partner t'be able to tell me when something's wrong. I want them to be safe and happy, and you're so buried in your own self-pity that it's apparently not ever gonna happen. Your life's not over jus' because you're a Warden now, Mara." She opened her mouth snap a retort but he caught her before she could get anything out. "Aye, go ahead, tell me I don't know anythin' about it. Doesn't change the fact that you're so damn busy feeling sorry for yourself y' can't even see a future."

Okay, now he was digging deep. He was dishing out what’d she’d been dishing out to him and ouch. It hurt. Good. She needed the pain. Still, she knew she’d be stuck thinking about it for days, wondering just how much of it was true and how much of it was just him saying things to fight back. Self-pity? She wasn’t caught up in that, was she? She wasn’t sorry for herself, just angry. Bad decisions had put her in this position, and this was the last bad decision she needed to make to start getting herself out of it. She knew it. Somehow, she believed this would work.

"What would your father think, if he could see you now, huh?” The words yanked Mara from her thoughts. Her breath caught in her throat and she could already feel the heat building in her face. “Y'think he'd be proud? Because I think he'd just feel so fucking sad for you, just like I'm starting t'feel."

What have you done, pup?

She could hear his voice in her head. Always there. Always whispering. Always telling her she was wrong. Do this. Do that. No, not that way. A calm, sturdy hand on her shoulder. Dark eyes looking into hers. Tired eyes. Worried eyes.

Survive. We survive, Mara. We survive. We take only what we need. We don’t get caught.

Promise me, Mara. Promise -

Mara snapped back into the moment, hand raised just inches away from Ferren’s cheek. The tears burned hot, threatening to overflow. Her fingers curled in on themselves as she lowered her hand back to her side and took one long, shaking breath.

“I never needed you anyway.” She wasn’t sure who that was for, and she couldn’t be bothered to care. It was enough to say it. Without a second glance to Ferren, she turned around and was out the door in a matter of seconds. No last look over her shoulder. No stopping to sigh outside the door. No chance for her to turn around and run back in and apologize and cry and figure this all out. It was over.

She only made it a few streets away before she had to turn down an alleyway to catch her breath. She’d held herself together long enough, but now, huddled against the cold stone of some shop she couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of, she finally let herself feel it all. Maker, it hurt. It hurt to know just how much she’d hurt Ferren. It hurt to realize just how much she’d lost to becoming a Warden. It hurt to learn just how much of a monster she could be. Worst of all, though, was how much it hurt to hear only one word echoing in her mind over and over and over again.

Liar.

 

[Ferren Bairston]

Well. Whatever it was he'd been trying to do with all of those hurtful, anger-fueled words, he'd done it. He could see it in Mara's face. She damn near staggered for a second, and all he wanted to do was apologize and convince her they could make this work. He'd convinced her before. He could do it again. He just had to try harder, be better. He just had to--

No. That was the whole problem, wasn't it? From the start he'd kept trying to win her over. Sometimes he did and things would be okay for a while, but he always had to do it again, and... he shouldn't have to, right? He shouldn't have to convince somebody he was worth being with. They should just want to be with him.

Either that or he was a sad, worthless excuse for a man who was just going to live the rest of his life alone. That seemed a lot more believable right now. A sad, worthless excuse for a man who was about to get slapped. Hard.

Mara pulled back at the last second though, and the fact that she'd even given up on that dug just a little bit deeper. “I never needed you anyway.”

"Yeah, well. Same."

Not the worst lie he'd ever told, but still a lie. Funny it came out so easily this time, when he usually tripped over them. Apparently when he was lying just to be an asshole and protect himself a little, lying was easy.

He watched her leave, watched the door rattle on the hinges, and just stood there feeling numb. It was nice, in a way. The absence of pain and anger wasn't emptiness. For a second, it was peace.

But that peace didn't last.

The anger surged, all of it directed inward. How could he have been so fucking stupid? Again. Ferren let out a growl and swiped his arm at the nearest piece of furniture. A chair upended and flew across the room, smashing against the wall in a splintered crash. Then another. And another. Until all the chairs were gone.

You're going to have to pay for all of those, you idiot, he chided himself. Letting out a big sigh, Ferren set about cleaning up the mess he'd made. Not the mess he'd made of his life. No cleaning that up. Just the mess in his room. He moved almost mechanically as he did it, and again as he pulled some coins from his pouch and went downstairs to pay for the busted up furniture.

Aside from a few snide inner comments, he was back to feeling numb. Though as he headed back upstairs, one more worked its way into his mind: At least he hadn't asked this one to marry him.